yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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