last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
