You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
