im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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