Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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