can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
