i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
