Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
