did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
