grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
