I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
