I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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