On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
