Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
