I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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