Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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