Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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