Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
