Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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