the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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