I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
