gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
