So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
