Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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