And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
