As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
