You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
