All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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