Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
