dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
