There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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