Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
