i may or may not be watching the land before time
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
