I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
