Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
