Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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