that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Randomize
