Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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