a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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