come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
