Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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