If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
