I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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