the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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