Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
