WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
