There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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