look no pants
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
