ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I didn't notice because vodka
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
