I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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