i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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