Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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